family estrangement and reconciliation

I have a growing specialty in the area of family reconciliation after estrangement.  I work with estrangements involving adults; minor children may be involved secondarily, but are not directly involved. Common estrangements are between adult siblings, adult children and their parents, or between other relational pairs.  Occasionally they may occur between non-family individuals. 

Many individuals experiencing an estrangement from a family member long for some version of a new relationship, but feel stymied by the history of disagreement that may create a divide.  A well-mediated reconciliation process can be a deeply beneficial opportunity for healing in these cases.

If you are interested in pursuing a reconciliation, send me an email at susannah.castle@gmail.com and we can schedule an initial one-hour phone- or zoom meeting.  The process is not appropriate for everyone, and I will engage in a brief assessment  before we move forward.  Please note that this process is different from family therapy and will be treated as a consultative and coaching process, rather than a clinical therapeutic one. 

When we engage in a reconciliation, we agree to an initial meeting, and discuss the steps involved, and determine if all parties would like to commit to the process, which generally occurs over a number of weekly- or bi-weekly ninety-minute meetings. Meetings will require significant emotional stability and commitment from all parties involved.  

Information about Estrangement in Families

Family estrangement is a common and severe life stressor. They occur across socioeconomic, racial, generational and religious categories. Estrangements are defined as total- or near-total terminations of contact between family members. Reconciliation may be a good option in cases where the relationship can be redefined with boundaries and expectations that meet the needs for emotional safety of all individuals involved.  It is important to note that estrangement can be a healthy choice in some situations.  Reconciliation is not recommended if it does not increase the sense of stability and safety of everyone involved.

Every estrangement is unique in specifics, but research shows there are striking commonalities between estrangements that allow for broad conclusions to be made about their origins and how they can be addressed and resolved. 

Research by Karl Pillemer, PhD, of Cornell University, has identified six common pathways to estrangement:

· History of family trauma or abuse in the childhood of estranged adult children

· History of divorce in parents of estranged adult children

· Difficulties with in-laws

· Money and inheritance issues

· Unmet expectations in family roles

· Value and lifestyle differences

Inside these six pathways, almost every estrangement has six common characteristics:

· “Volcanic events”; i.e., final arguments or ultimatums that unleash what had previously been a building pattern of tension or disagreement.

· Irreconcilable or diverging views of past events. Almost every estrangement includes at least two dramatically different narratives of what occurred in the past. Many estrangements continue due to an inability for parties to agree on the existence, validity, meaning, timing, or intention of past events, and a need to achieve that agreement as a precondition for moving forward.

· Blurred boundaries, in which anxiety and differing expectations lead to boundary violations which then become points of division.

· The role of others: There is a pattern of more conciliatory and more divisive individuals vying for a voice in the process of an estrangement. This can be a family member, a therapist, a family friend, etc. 

Estrangements “pull” for strong opinions, and outside voices are a common part of the equation. Also, they affect a rippling pool of individuals who have to renegotiate loyalties and traditions, such that more and more people are pulled into the orbit of what may be a private disagreement and then add momentum to the conflict. Estrangements create what may be “false loyalties” as individuals are called to make their alignments more black and white than they would otherwise intend, or would generally manage through increased or decreased contact, but not with ultimatum or full disengagement.

· Communication breakdown: Estrangements are typically preceded by periods of spiraling, increasingly aversive communication that create high anxiety, anger, and feelings of rage, indignation, or profound loss and disappointment. Long periods of emailing, texting, or phone calls that reinforce misunderstanding are common. Most commonly, the threshold for a request for a cutoff in contact occurs not as an attempt to punish the other party, but because it is too anxiety-provoking for one party or both to engage further, and all attempts appear to deepen the divide. It is important to view estrangement as a consequence of high anxiety rather than cruelty or anger. 

· The past becomes static: Due to lack of ongoing interaction with the other person, a version of them in the past becomes frozen in time. Changes and evolution in character are disregarded because there is no new information coming into the relationship. Similarly, each individual tends to cognitively rehearse and reinforce their own version of past events, generally in ways that are empathetic to their own process and intentions, and more skeptical and critical of the process and intentions of the other. 

Steps to Successful Reconciliation:

There are several characteristics and behaviors common to individuals who engage in a successful reconciliation process. In a study of approximately 1,600 estranged families, completed by Karl Pillemer of Cornell University, researchers identified steps toward successful reconciliation, and characteristics common amongst what they termed “reconcilers”. These steps, which would be described in our initial consultation, can seem aversive, counter-intuitive, and difficult.  However, they are an effective means forward in these potentially explosive situations. Additionally, for parties that successfully moved through these steps and stages, the vast majority expressed gratitude they had done so, even if they were unable to attain full reconciliation.

The focus in this process is on letting go of past damage in a meaningful way, taking personal responsibility for the breakdown that has occurred, increasing empathy amongst all parties, and setting clear boundaries and expectations for a future relationship with lower anxiety.

Reconciliation is a unique process that is not a therapeutic one per se. It presents many opportunities for personal growth. However, the primary focus in the process is on seeking to relinquish the past, to let go, and to move forward with new expectations and boundaries. 

In therapy (as opposed to this reconciliation process), we would seek for every participant to have the opportunity to share the extent of their hurt and woundedness, and seek to attain understanding, validation, apology, and forgiveness. The unique characteristics of estrangement mean that it is often impossible to attain that kind of satisfaction. In fact, the estrangement usually exists precisely because all attempts to arrive at that stage have failed and likely have made things worse. 

Given this truth, we seek a different kind of process. In a reconciliation, we work to invert the process of blame and anger, to create empathy and self-examination as the basis for change. Instead of each person naming what is wrong and hurtful about the other, each individual becomes responsible for examining their own story, and for identifying their own areas of personal responsibility. In the estrangement reconciliation process, we are seeking the empathy and healing that can occur when we observe someone doing their own personal best at working toward growth – even if it isn’t necessarily the growth we wish they would demonstrate to meet our own relational needs. 

I am confident that with support, commitment, and a period of focused engagement, we can help bring reconnection and create the framework for a new relationship moving forward.  

Primary source: Pillemer, Karl (2020). Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them. New York: Avery